Mama Monday: Selfish Parenting 101

Today's class, students, is about how to be a parent in the 21st century.

First, we must figure out why you had children to start with. Maybe you were lonely and wanted something to love, maybe it was just what was supposed to happen next in your life after the age of 25, maybe it was an "accident", but whatever brought this little bundle into your life, I'm sure it didn't take you long to realize how much time and energy the new member to your family required. I mean seriously, they start out needing you to do everything for them! Then as they get older they want you to do things with them, like play Barbies, build Lego towers, read Green Eggs and Ham five times in a row, or, heaven forbid, talk to them and ask questions about their day. Obviously, you don't have time for that. You have reality shows to watch, people to text, a facebook status to update. So what is a parent to do?

Second, I will tell you the trick to not having to parent your children so that you can have more time to do what you deserve to do. Go out right now and invest in a television, a game system, a laptop, and a smart phone. Put all of these electronics in their bedroom. Show them how to work all of the devices and then leave the room. If they come out of their room for any reason and ask you for something, then you need to yell and scream at them. Say something like, "What are you asking me for? You can do it yourself. Get back in your room when you're done and leave me alone. My favorite show is on right now. I didn't buy you all that stuff so you'd be bored!"

Third, ignore all the stuff that seems to be go wrong in your child's life because of this parenting approach. The bad grades at school, getting in trouble all the time with authority figures, finding bad friends to hang out with, these things are NOT your fault. You just have a child that's misunderstood. Everybody is out to get him. There is nothing you could have done to change her. She's been that way since she was born. Remember how needy she was. You are a great mom. You bought them all that stuff so they'd have something to do and leave you alone because you were so tired at the end of the day. And that vacant look in his eyes, like some important part of him has shut down, that's nothing to be concerned about.

Fourth, I will be there to pick up the pieces. I will help them find things to make them feel accepted and worthy. Things like drugs, alcohol, pornography, abusive spouses, money, and maybe even a child of their own. And I will be glad to teach your child how to be a parent as well.

Thank you for attending my class. Be sure when you're filling out my evaluation that you spell my name correctly. It's S-A-T-A-N. 

In rememberance of the mom who told me it was my job to raise her son. That's why she sent him to school. And all the other students I had, when I taught in the public schools, that had given up on themselves because their parents had checked out on them a long time ago.

Struggling to give up my wants for my kid's needs in the treehouse,

Chelli